from CNN article: https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/25/opinions/demi-lovato-still-a-role-model-slaughter-graham-opinion/
It's been a helluva few weeks, from just feeling like wanting to die to getting a couple lucky breaks, getting on some right medication 20mg Celexa, getting a part time job at tim hortons to actually get me out of bed. and getting some support through a psychiatrist and i start a group therapy CBT program at CAMH. it's also been a bit challenging with my binge eating that has resurfaced.
I'm on my way back to Canada after 2+weeks in South Africa. I'm very very grateful to my sisters for sending me on this trip. I will pay them back financially. This has been an uplifting and sad trip. Uplifting because I got some help that allowed me to look at the depression and life from a different perspective. Really about keeping ahead of it and taking the steps to avoid rumination. social connection, brain hacks and deep breathing etc. Uplifting because I got to connect with mother nature and in it's splendor i felt some joy.
I swam today in camps bay beach. beautiful white sand beaches and lovely surf. but oh so very cold. I was the only one swimming in the beach and i loved it. the only other time that i was in colder water was when i had a practice swim last year in lake ontario. That time i had a wet suit this time not so much :)
I have sat waiting at the hospital for a few hours to get the results from my MRI for my calf muscle. Its been a bit good and bad news. There's no tear in my calf muscle so now I need to find out what is the source of the pain that I feel when walking or standing. I'm very grateful that I've made it to 45 years old with my physical health improving and my mental health also imroving. I've been able to manage my sadness with being honest about my feelings. Controlling my thoughts from spiraling down and focusing on what's working.
Guy next to me i think has turrets syndrome in arabic. I wish i knew what he was saying. he seems harmless....but who know's?
Today started off okay, I got some rest after my MRI, had a shower then spoke with the doctor from south africa that Vash referred me to. He's a hypnotherapist. I felt a lot of anxiety when vash sent me an email asking me how it went. It made me reach for food, I also felt some anxiety when the kids came home and I wanted to run so I wouldn't face them. I was distracting and watching the Game, I just wanted to stop feeling anxious thoughts. I felt good when I went for my swim and came back and ate some lunch while rodney was there.
I slept early last night around 9:30. I was up at 6am but didn't get out of bed until 7:45. I liked the quiet and the serenity. I didn't have dinner last night. I was upset with my sisters anger towards me and I just turned off the lights took my medication and slept. I made up an excuse when she asked if I was going to eat. It felt good to give my belly a break. This morning I got up and said hi to the boys and then went to take a shower in the basement and make my coffee after. I noticed that the basketball court had fallen so I straightened it and put away the dishes.
I am back to trying 30 mg of my medication. I don't like it but I'm taking it to see the affects on mood. So far I've really struggled this morning to wake up and do the right things. I've been medicated with caffeine to stay awake. The effects of the medication make me feel numbed out. Like only slightly less than a hangover. I really don't like this feeling, but I'm willing to give it a few more days to see what the effects can be once my body has adjusted to it.
Got out of bed, shortly after i was wide awake. about 6:30.
went to the gym at the condo and swam in pool, yay :)
listened to my body and took a 15 min nap.
plan is to go to mindfulness practice class today near drake hotel.