I made plans with S to help me with my resume. She's scaring the fuck out of me, saying she's hitting on me and calling me sexy. I invited her to come to the house so that we can work on the resume but I changed mind and said lets go to starbucks instead. It caused me some anxiety and I reached for the peanut butter. I was very touched by Anette's Valentines card, it was so very sweet. and I felt loved. I am grateful to have the break from the Benstrow Basement. It's a nice reprieve. I told Anette about how hard the depression was and sleeping for hours and hours.

Once again, i'm taking some time off to have some physio on my leg and hopefully work towards getting a desk job with the stress levels that I can handle. I'm very grateful to find out that I qualify for EI. I've worked just over the 700 hours that is required. This will be my first time collecting EI. I'm very grateful for this. Physio is very expensive and difficult, and the work that I was doing at tim hortons was negating the effect. 8 hours of standing on my feet and mopping floors was very hard on my calf muscle.

Today I found a good article from the narcotics anonymous site. I've been struggling with my binge eating at nights, and the last 2 days have been especially rough, where I've finished my night shifts by buying junk food and more junk food and driving high to home, going straight to bed and feeling ashamed, tired from the full belly and frustrated and self loathing from after a binge.

This morning i only got out of bed at 11:45 am . i didn't feel like getting up and i felt depressed. a lack of hope and motivation.  i had binged for the second night in a row. i picked up a can of peanuts from the garbage. continued to watch house episodes. season 5 which gives me a comfortable feeling but it's addictive, i want to watch more and more of it. without regard for sleeping or facing the consequence for waking up late.

I spent most of the day and last night sleeping. I didn't feel the urge to get up and my mom brought me coffee at 9am and I eventually woke up at noon and went back to bed in the afternoon. i had a heart to heart with my mom. I told her how i was feeling and I told her how i didn't feel like getting up, she said that she knew. i also told her how rejected i felt with my sexuality and my immediate family. sisters etc. I told her how i learnt to put on a mask and I really cant' be my authentic self around them. I don't know how else to be. 

I worked friday saturday and sunday at tims and yesterday I drove for Rodney. I am exhausted because I've also binged every night and I feel really unhappy with myself. I've learned over the years to be more compassionate with myself. because the recovery for addiction is to discover a higher power and turn over my life to the care of the higher power. I've struggled so much with God because of all the despair i see in the world and more upfront at Timmies with the homeless and the fellow addicts. 

Happy birthday dear upa. I miss you so much and it's been 10 years gone. Loved your personality and admired your ways . I hope your spirit is in a good place and at peace. Lots of love

Krisen

I felt some darkness today. I prayed to god to take me. I slept around 3pm and I woke up feeling pain in back and leg and just a sense of hopelessness. I have to do a presentation to cirrus on Phishing. it's for 2 groups on friday afternoon. And i'm really anxious about it and it's taking a lot out of me. Darren asked me why I put myself in this position. I told him that my brain said yes but my body is saying no. he reminded me of what happened to me at TD. 

i contacted my sponsor after a binge and sent him a 10th step after fight with mom. I made amends by trying to think of ways to make her life easier. I parked the car at Canadian tire and out the location onto her map. She thanked me and she now has a social with her workmates plus she has some much needed driving experience.

there was some positive events that happened today that helped me feel more optimistic.

1. i went out to see Erez, and had a good session brainstorming ideas for a podcast.

2. i met up with Rod and drove a car to orangeville and spetn time with Aivar

3. i visited my psychiatrist we started me on some new medication for the anxiety/depression. This kind would hopefully help with the cloudiness that I was feeling.