I just spoke to darren and feel a bit better. I was feeling low and irritable all day. After timmies I slept but I really felt low and I didn't even feel like getting up. I listened a lot to lowrie and big book study. I'm at the albion mall here the people seem happy and talking in groups but I feel very sad. I felt very lonely and isolated and I'm still grieving not working and earning good money. I'm grieving also the slow work to almost non-existant of cirrus work. It makes me very sad. I don't want to be just a survival worker and I just feel it all slipping away from me.
I went out and get milk and bread and chatted to mom. I brought mom the tim hortons flask.
I filled gas in the car today and I filled antifreeze
I decided to go to work today even though I feel bloated and headache from binge last night
i shared with Joe i felt after my binge last night so it was not a secret anymore.
I finished the laptop for Cirrus and I was happy with my work.
i sent aivar a birthday text and I responded to Rod and Derek.
Grateful for listening to lawrie about my food addiction and the solution
T called me today. I was quite surprised, he said it was an emergency. He told me that his twin brother M had come out and had also attempted suicide by cutting but was saved by his ex girlfriend. I was quite surprised. He come's from a partriachical born again family. and I didn't quite fit. the father and i get along great and he helped me tremendously at my lowest point. and now his body is letting him down and he feels so dejected. For me it was a vindication that even the most together family has its issues.
I'm due for a midnight shift today. It's been only 3 days a week at TH now but I already feel grateful for just keeping things light while I recover from the anxiety that I've beenn feeling. I'm also very grateful for the room that I have and the gym membership and the fantastic library. A lot of beautiful exposure. I Ave been absorbed with books trying to understand my binge addiction to food that's really plagued me for such a long time. I think 20 years. I used it to cope with life alone and the stresses of being alone in this city.
Today I faced constant anxiety. i had to call Poonam and Zabin and tell her that I was having an issue. AFter I told my mom about the anxiety i went to the mall and bought some binge food and had a binge and then slept. The binge helped but I felt bad that I missed the call from Jeremy and felt some shame about missing the work at Tim hortons. I wanted to get to a meeting. I did an online meeting and then Darren called and that was fun. Anxiety is horrible, i don't like the effects it has on my body makeup. the numbness, the clenched heart and the headache.