I just spoke to darren and feel a bit better. I was feeling low and irritable all day. After timmies I slept but I really felt low and I didn't even feel like getting up. I listened a lot to lowrie and big book study. I'm at the albion mall here the people seem happy and talking in groups but I feel very sad. I felt very lonely and isolated and I'm still grieving not working and earning good money. I'm grieving also the slow work to almost non-existant of cirrus work. It makes me very sad. I don't want to be just a survival worker and I just feel it all slipping away from me. Loneliness really does take its toll and today I saw rupinder hang around anmol and it was so obvious that he loves her and I coulnt help but feel happy for young love but also jealousy. I can't talk with my mom it's very difficult to cconfide and tell her anythng but I know that she worries about me. It was really good to get up and walk away from her and the energy...I really needed the space and felt chlostrophobic around her. I feel partly is just do my best and show up and let things play out as they should.
My leg really hurts I'm so hopeful that it can get better and now my hip is sore. I don't know how long it will take to heal and whether it's going to be chronic for life. I've also started to notice trembling on right side of my mouth and that is concerning me as if it could be some kind of pre stroke. So a lot going on for me. I realise how truly truly bad things were at the basement apartment at bloor west village and I thank my lucky stars that I have moved out of there and being so close to Isai and Rodney and having to pass the house all the time. I know that life seems bleak and difficult now and that I must just really trust that every day I will be protected. Just do the things that inspire me and stay aware from the shouldas. I'm working midnight shift on Sunday will sleep a couple hours then go see Rodney. Cest la vie. I'm looking forward to the pape meeting tomorrow. To each their own. I thought maybe Id like to ask Dr rosenblatt for some mood stabilisers tomorrow and see how things go. I've got to do some things in the meantime some tasks that need to be taken care off.