I worked friday saturday and sunday at tims and yesterday I drove for Rodney. I am exhausted because I've also binged every night and I feel really unhappy with myself. I've learned over the years to be more compassionate with myself. because the recovery for addiction is to discover a higher power and turn over my life to the care of the higher power. I've struggled so much with God because of all the despair i see in the world and more upfront at Timmies with the homeless and the fellow addicts.
yesterday after visiting with Rodney and isai at the house, i felt very empty like i was just displaying a facade on who i am and don't let them see the real me which is the empty hollow person who is so lonely and miserable that the only comfort i can get from emotionally charged experience is to stuff my face. Last night while driving it was a stop first at royal york sh0ppers drug mart for some 100g chocolate and then at a gas station for a very large sized ohenry resses bar. it was $5 in total but worse than that, it left me feeling numb and irritable and high. i know that it's on the path to diabetes because my ears feel achy and that much sugur is just fucking outrageous.
The other night i was coming home from work, it was around 11:30 and as I was coming out of the subway at islington this black kid comes up to me and pretends to swing at me. i was frightened but i didn't flinch, i just looked at the kid and i got angry, and then the anger turned to rage, i said you think you're a tough guy, come on tough guy but i was saying this as i was running away but when heading to the car, i felt so much rage and I kept saying derogatory terms like I want to kill you N&*&. it felt so good to release that rage.
i was listening to Gabor Mate yesterday on authenticity and I realize that I've surpressed a lot of my emotnions by trying to fit into my current tribe, the very conservative, christ centric tribe. and i see how I despearately want them to accept me as i am in all my queerness. but i'm willing to go at it alone. even if it kills me. if being a people pleaser and bingeing will kill me then I might as well try being authentic and hopefully finding my own tribe. i don't need much love and it can come from strange places.