I made plans with S to help me with my resume. She's scaring the fuck out of me, saying she's hitting on me and calling me sexy. I invited her to come to the house so that we can work on the resume but I changed mind and said lets go to starbucks instead. It caused me some anxiety and I reached for the peanut butter. I was very touched by Anette's Valentines card, it was so very sweet. and I felt loved. I am grateful to have the break from the Benstrow Basement. It's a nice reprieve. I told Anette about how hard the depression was and sleeping for hours and hours. Because it takes so much for my brain to wake up. I also told her that I increased my dose of the antidepressant. I am grateful to increase to 20mg. I'm not sure when it will kick in but I just didn't feel anything at the 15mg. I am so very tired of feeling like ambivalent to life and not wanting to live. I wanted to just come here and do nothing but just allow myself to grieve. It's been so tough. Mom said i was an old soul but i realize that I've had so much loss in my life and that I feel so powerless over my moods and emotions. I feel powerless over my leg and everything else for tonight, i am determined to just go to the gym and have a good sleep reading. tomorrow morning I've got the appointment with matt in Scarborough and i'm grateful for that.